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Looking to maximize my time spent listening to hardcore and walking around cities. Is that a job one can have?

Starting my day listening to gorilla biscuits… Setting the tone for today.

My birthday is almost over, but you can still get me an awesome present. Register to vote: hello.vote Thanks!

Why in the fuck is a @realDonaldTrump promoted tweet being displayed to me? I am very much not a likely donor.

Channelling @aaronsalmon and wearing shorts on this 60° day. Because he’s awesome and because idgaf.

OH: “Empathy is nice…”

why yes, yes i am making a cole slaw sandwich.

i keep saying “woof” to things that i don’t like. thanks @victoriap8er for this new verbal tic.

Listening to random meat eater explain why vegetarians become vegetarian. Apparently it involves weak wills and the Holocaust? #WTFWTFWTF

is everyone aware that pizza is amazing? it totally is.

i am not reading enough books. i am a bad example for my kids. i need recommendations for books to read.

“ @harper, I think, has opinions on this.” #safebet

Listening to a real life “jet fuel can’t melt steel beams” conversation. mindblown.gif

Ugh, I accidentally the whole drive.

phil ochs is a good fit for my mood today.

how do you deal with the overwhelming sorrow and anger and dismay? the world needs to change. we need to change. #AltonSterling

of note, I do not respond to “Dyl-bro-man” /cc @harper

So all those wheels I wanted to buy in England are now 10% cheaper?

. @felixerrichard: “Can I do sign language at the dinner table?” does jazzhands (Anyone know where a 4 year old can learn sign language?)

you know what’s awesome? veggie straws.

imma get glasses made with that “this is fine” comic printed on the inside.

“I accidentally hit him with a bat.” @milorichard, who may not fully appreciate the meaning of accidental.

RT @dansinker: @dylanr OMG WAIT: DO YOU STILL WEAR COLLARS LIKE THAT, AND YOUR BEARD IS JUST COVERING THEM?!??!?!

“I’m hurt proof.” - @felixerrichard #whatcouldgowrong

fuck it, I’m just gonna spend all day listening to The Shaggs.

. @felixerrichard, speaking to me: “YOU HAVE FAILED AGAIN!!!”

is there a new @googlenexus phone coming this @googleio?

My @googlenexus Nexus 5 is almost unusably slow. What should I get instead?

me right now: why do I have a tab open to tractorsupply.com?

It is really gross when you get on a train where someone has just smoked.

does @amazon sell backs? I could use a new back.

Me: I’m flying out tonight. @felixerrichard: I put a bomb in your suitcase. Me: Felix, that’s not funny. F: It is to the god of war!

Pro tip: whenever you’re in an @uber, split the fare with @harper.

. @milorichard “it’s basically” @felixerrichard “a battle!” M: “no, a short version of” F: “Mary …

“Go go gadget: be sad!” - @felixerrichard #dontcryemokid

“392 horse pounds” - @CLINT

I haven’t gone a full week in the past 15 years without listening to @atomgoren noisey.vice.com via @NOISEYMUSIC

ok, seriously, @wawa. What can I do to get a wawa in Chicago?

Me: “Good night!” @felixerrichard: “We’ll see about that!”

It’s not every day that I see someone with a beard that puts mine to shame. Kudos to you, random bearded dude.

Imagine if four year olds made sense.

this is awesome. twitter.com